Dyson's Fear 3.0

New, new blog

2011-05-31T21:04:00.003-04:00

Okay, Single Player Online is back on, plus I've got a new blog to replace this one called [jasonlongden(dot)ca].

New blog

2010-07-12T13:48:00.004-04:00

I may update this one from time to time when I need to write something not video game related, otherwise, my new blog is Single Player Offline.

For the record...

2010-05-29T13:18:00.001-04:00

The blog's on hiatus, potentially permanently, as I decide on how to extend my online presence again.

Another link gone

2010-03-31T21:04:00.000-04:00

Since he hasn't updated it in over a year, I'm dropping the webcomic Bugsport. Too bad, as I genuinely enjoyed it.

Ch-Changes

2010-03-07T00:02:00.003-05:00

Yeah, it's been over a month, and nothing really to talk about it.

Well, there's my near meltdown and my attempts to keep people at arms length from me for both my own best interests as well as theirs. I'm single again, and relieved. Not out of some feeling of being freed from a ball and chain, but more that I don't have to worry about dragging someone else down with me, as it's been a rough time these past few weeks between posts.

School's going okay. Not as well as I want it to be, but my grades are still in the 80+ range. My Programming in Java class has been particularly hellish, as our lectures are generally two weeks behind our assignments, meaning that we don't actually learn how to do them until it's a couple of hours before the assignment is due. Needless to say, this has created a huge amount of stress for me, amongst all the other sources of stress I've had.

I've basically been hanging on by my bloodied fingernails, and slipping the entire time. That said, reading week's been good for me. Even though I should have been doing more work, I've used the time to just relax (well, when not spewing profanity at my TV and video game consoles.) I think my nervous stomach has returned, and I'm not exactly impressed with that. I've thrown up more in the past few months than I have in the past few years.

Anywho, that's the personal crap, on with a media rundown.

Watching: Escaflowne, Halo Legends, Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths, Pandorum, Surrogates, Gamer, Planet Hulk, Zomebieland, The Hangover, Chocolate, Mad Detective, New Police Story, Super Robot Red Baron, random anime, and random TV shows.

Listening (to): A lot of Coast to Coast AM streaming over the internet, and random MP3s while walking to class.

Reading: Textbooks, duh.

Playing: PS2- Mercenaries. 360- Fallout 3, Fable 2, Mercenaries 2, Gears of War, Halo, Brutal Legend.

And that's about that. I'm counting the days until finals are over, and I can chill for the summer (I hope.)

Changes

2010-01-31T09:48:00.002-05:00

Well, it's a minor one, but since WotC is giving up the Star Wars license, I'm dropping the link to the game.

First post of 2010

2010-01-07T20:04:00.005-05:00

Well, nothing really much to report on, although I want to point out my Gamercard:

As for other stuff, I really miss the three women of my life. I miss Reni. I miss Amanda. I miss Mary, and I will always miss her. She'd find the above infinitely cool, as she would find my schooling, my media consumption, and well, everything. This isn't to belittle the other two, not in the least, but that special Mary-ness is something that the world will never have again.

Also, it's a little late at this point, but I welcome Saul Mayer Biro to the world. Dina & Elliot had a little guy (well, Dina did. Elliot supplied DNA.) His middle name is named after Mary, and this makes me tear up a little every time I think of it.

The holidays haven't been good for me in years, but this year was the least painful in memory.

Anyways, that's it for the random updates. I'm wiped, and I think I'll take another nap.

Media rundown and other updates

2009-12-28T16:41:00.003-05:00

Well, here's an 'official' post... sorta...

Watching: I really haven't done much of anything media rundown related. The only movie I've watched to completion is Kung Fu Panda, but I've acquired and attempted to watch many others including: My Neighbor Totoro, Sonny Chiba's Masutatsu Oyama Trilogy, The Sister Street Fighter Collection, The Lethal Chiba Collection, Eastern Horror collection, Jonny Quest season 1, Cowboy Bebop, G.I. Joe Resolute, Samurai Jack, Invisible Man season 1, Flash Gordon, Salton Sea, Gangster No. 1, Mad Detective, Sky Crawlers, Shanghai Noon, Shanghai Knights, and Big Man Japan.

Listening (to): Various MP3s, and streaming Art Bell Classics.

Reading: Nada

Playing: Assassin's Creed, Halo 3, Gears of War 2, Batman: Arkham Asylum, Mirror's Edge, Kung Fu Panda, Fable, DOA3, Bioshock, Spider-Man 3, Stranglehold, Hexic HD, Geometry Wars, and Prince of Persia.

There's been two new things in my life, and both have changed how I spend my time. First on the block was an Xbox 360, which is what I've been playing all the games on. Second up, but not second to me, is my wonderful girlfriend Reni. My first semester of school was very successful, with my getting a 92% average, but I know that I can do better. I slacked off at the end, but that was a three fold thing: burnout, new Xbox, and new girlfriend. In hindsight, I could have timed things a lot better, but I didn't.

Happy-Merry Chrismukkahza

2009-12-24T10:37:00.003-05:00

My only wishes are (honestly) peace on Earth, food for the hungry, and company for the lonely. We're all in this together, folks.

Another milestone

2009-10-21T09:36:00.000-04:00

At the point of posting this, I am 2 hits away from 60,000. And that's only 60,000 hits since I reset the counter.

Media rundown

2009-10-02T20:00:00.004-04:00

Wow, talk about being busy. I think that my blog is officially on hiatus during the school year as I really don't have the time to update it as much as I should. That said, here's a media rundown...

Watching: Theatre - Evangelion 1.0: You are (not) Alone. DVD - Battle in Outer Space, The H-Man, and Superman/Batman: Public Enemies. TV - Smallville, Supernatural, Fringe, Heroes, and Warehouse 13.

Listening (to): The Resistance by Muse, and various podcasts.

Reading: Heh... stuff for school.

Playing: Wild Arms (on my PSP)

Stereotypical blog entry

2009-09-20T17:47:00.001-04:00

Man, I am soooo sick. Fever, headache, abdominal pain, nausea... the whole stomach bug menu.

And this was going to be the weekend where I get caught up on everything. Joy.

Media rundown

2009-09-04T22:55:00.005-04:00

Not much to report on at all.

Watching: Theatre- District 9 and Inglourious Basterds. DVD - Supernatural season 3. TV- Warehouse 13 and Leverage.

Listening (to): Random MP3s and Coast to Coast AM podcasts.

Reading: Nothing.

Playing: World of Warcraft and Halo.

In all honesty, I've spent most of the past few weeks just preparing for school, and tinkering with my computer, with WoW taking up the little bit of free time I've had. The one thing I'm proud of is that I've got a math mark in the high 80s, and this is largely self-taught.

Found this

2009-08-16T23:44:00.002-04:00

Thought it was cool...

Media rundown and personal update

2009-08-13T21:34:00.003-04:00

It's been about a month since I've done a rundown, so it's about time.

Watching: Theatre - G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. DVD - Drunken Monkey, Enter the Dragon, Watchmen the Director's Cut, Green Lantern: First Flight, Hulk Vs., Invasion of Astro-Monster, Destroy All Monsters, Godzilla 2000, Iron King, Justice League Unlimited (both volumes), and Stargate SG-1 seasons 9 & 10. TV - Leverage, Warehouse 13, Better Off Ted, and Burn Notice.

Listening (to): Random music and podcasts.

Reading: F. Paul Wilson's The Tomb, All-Star Superman, and Superman: Our Worlds at War.

Playing: The Godfather, The Bard's Tale, and Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

The nutshell of stuff going on is that the preparations for returning to school are still going on, I'm still trying to reconcile with a friend, and I'm still bored out of my skull waiting between things happening.

The good news is that I'm finally at peace with my issues regarding that friend. I now feel as though I've done all I can do to repair things, going beyond what I really needed to do, and now my karmic debt is paid. At this point, it's up to the friend to step up and take what I've offered. My conscience is clear, and I know that I know that my reasons have been pure. If they're sincere in their intentions in regards to personal growth, it's in their best interest to accept things, as I've made it easy for them to fix this.

We'll see.

One last time

2009-07-24T21:47:00.002-04:00

Well, since I think this is going to be my last year with pen and paper RPGs, this will be the last time I vote for the Ennies. My choices are a little obvious, as it's anything Star Wars Saga Edition related, including the Order 66 Podcast.

Here's to the nominees.

A change of outlook

2009-07-23T12:58:00.002-04:00

Well, it's a week later, and the Jija lust is still there, but everything else feels different. Things feel like they're moving forward, rather than just running on spot, or worse, backpedaling into the past.

School looks like it's going to happen, once the red tape and redundant bureaucracy is out of the way.
My friend is "no longer angry", whatever that means. If it does mean that things can heal, then that's good, but I have my reservations about that. I'm optimistic, though, but it's going to be a long haul. We've both done a lot of damage to the other side, but I don't think it's irreparable.
I got most of my stuff back.

Anywho, here's to looking forward.

Raging Pheonix, Raging Heart

2009-07-16T15:11:00.003-04:00

This is Tony Jaa's protege, Jija Yanin, who starred in the move Chocolate. (Not, Chocolat... very different movies.) The movie is called Raging Pheonix, and Twitch has the trailer.

I think I'm in love.

Media Rundown

2009-07-15T22:29:00.003-04:00

Oh man, this is going to be long. I haven't done one of these since February... February! Jeez...

(FYI: I'm going to be forgetting stuff.)

Watching: Theatre- Star Trek, Terminator Salvation. DVD- My Name is Bruce, Turok: Son of Stone, Wonder Woman, Justice League: The New Frontier, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Complete, CJ7, Doomsday, Caprica, G.I. Samurai, Shogun's Shadow, Ninja Wars, Tokyo Gore Police, My Young Auntie, Mission: Impossible 3, A Scanner Darkly, Stargate: Continuum, Eko Eko Azarak: Wizard of Darkness, Gen 13, Stargate SG-1 (various seasons), Stargate Atlantis (various seasons), Justice League Unlimted (various seasons), Superman: The Animated Series (various seasons) and Iron King. TV- Warehouse 13, Virtuality, Battlestar Galactica 4.5, Smallville, Chuck, Torchwood (various seasons), Burn Notice, Leverage, Better Off Ted, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, UFO Hunters, and The Big Bang Theory.

Listening (to): My iPod on shuffle (do you really expect me to remember it all?), and various podcasts including Order 66 and Coast to Coast AM.

Reading: Douglas Coupland's jPod, Warren Ellis' Crooked Little Vein, F. Paul Wilson's The Tomb, Neil Gaiman's Anansi Boys, Savage Worlds: Explorers Edition, and various Star Wars trades & RPG books.

Playing: Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy II, Star Ocean: Second Evolution, Ghostbusters: the Video Game, Batman Begins, Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law, Grandia II, Red Faction, Ring of Red, God of War 2, Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, and other stuff I can't remember.

Huh? Wha?

2009-07-14T23:57:00.001-04:00

I've noticed a trend recently, and that's of nerds throwing around the term 'satire' a lot. Like always, they totally butcher the word don't seem to grasp the meaning of it, but it's weird that it's just suddenly started being used.

I wonder why, as it's completely random.

Any clues?

Realizations

2009-07-12T13:01:00.002-04:00

You know, I'm finding that I'm just not into role-playing games anymore. I've labeled myself as a gamer for around 26 years now, and I'm just realizing that I really don't like it. I'm not sure if it's the people, or if it's the activity itself. I'd rather just play a video game to get fun out of playing a game, and I'd rather just sit around talking to friends to get the socialization . If the two need to be mixed, then a board game is more than enough.

So, I think that I'll run that Star Wars game as a send-off to myself. After that, no more.

The Little Things

2009-07-01T14:32:00.002-04:00

First of all, check this out. It's a video for Danny Elfman's Little Things from the movie Wanted. It's sort of the theme song to this entry, and I think it's fitting for what's been going through my head.

I don't know if other people go through what I do, and that's having little random moments that trigger a cascade of memory and emotion. I will suddenly blush for apparently no reason because I remember something embarrassing, and instantly feel that embarrassment as if I was going through the experience right there and then. It's been like that with grieving, too.

I still catch myself thinking that I have to show Mary something, that I know that she'll want to see it, and have that moment together. This just happened a few minutes ago playing the Batman Begins videogame. She loved the movie, and the game captures it well. Okay, maybe not as well, but for a movie tie-in game, it does a great job. Anyways, I was playing it, and I dearly, dearly wished that she could see it, as I know that she'd find it pretty cool.

The good thing about all of this, is that my moments no longer carry profound sadness afterwards. I can carry on, without needing to burst into tears. Well, that's for the Mary grieving part. I'm also grieving the end of what I thought was a close friendship, and I'm having troubles putting that behind me.

It's funny that I had just this conversation with the friend earlier this year, about how ending things is just a form of grieving, only that the person hasn't died. This is the hard part, because when you decide to end things, there is usually a very good reason, and that is that it's not healthy for you. My friend was doing just the same thing, and I pointed this out then. Unfortunately, the friend fell victim to their own tendencies, and went back. It's not the going back that ended the friendship, it's the way they went about it, and the way that they decided to keep it away from me. It's not the keeping away part that is the problem, it's literally how they decided to do it that's the problem.

As it stands, I can no longer trust the person. This is the person who's been there for me after Mary died, and well, I needed that trust. There's far more issues involved here, and ones that really don't need to be said in public, but the whole friendship unraveled from there. Right now, I so dearly want them back, and I see how hard it is to stay away. I don't fault them for getting back into what they needed to get out of, as I feel it too, but I know I need to stay away, even if it is difficult.

So, here I am, 13 months after Mary passed away, and I'm grieving two close friends. I'm trying my best to make things out of sight and out of mind, but I realize that doing that just makes things harder. You can't force yourself to forget, as it makes every little time you remember that much harder on yourself.

Anyways, this is where I am at the moment, caught in the wake of the little things.

Quote of the _______

2009-06-29T21:47:00.001-04:00

"All the movies where I play nice guys don't seem to do very well."

- Clancy Brown

Badda-bing, badda-boom

2009-06-26T16:46:00.002-04:00

Hey, what do you know? I've had my first hits from Bing.com now.

I'm in the big leagues now.

(grumble, grumble)

The lack of activity

2009-06-25T23:29:00.003-04:00

Heh, where to start.

The past three months have been hellish, each with it's own separate, yet interconnected, issue. April was losing my job. May was losing a friendship. June is losing my mind trying to get enrolled in school for the fall, and losing my patience with the government retraining programs.

Losing my job was a good thing, it's inspired me to go back to school, and finally take control of my life. I've been struggling for far too long, and it's good to actually have something to look forward to. I haven't had that in ages, and as frightening as the ordeal is, it's going to work out in the end. I've learned to get over my own bias and an irrational fear of a stigma from my highschool days. It's amazing the baggage you keep without realizing it.

Losing the friendship, while pretty crappy, is ultimately a good thing as I realize that it was something destructive and toxic. I turned to the wrong person, at the wrong time, and it was hurting me far more than it helped. The tragic thing is that the friend doesn't even understand the issues involved, or at least, doesn't want to and blames it all on me. (In fact, they've accused me of making it all up.) I hope that someday, when things are better for both of us, that a friendship can be redeveloped, but I have my doubts. It's one of those cases where they'll have to hit bottom in order to get what happened, and I doubt that they will, or worse, that there will be nothing left of them to recognize when it happens. I still can hope, though.

Finally, this whole experience with the retraining folks is pretty counter intuitive and feels largely counter productive. It almost feels as if they're trying to discourage you from getting help from them as there are large gaps in the process that just don't make sense. With luck and perseverance , I'll have everything out of the way by early July, and I will be fully funded for fall. My only other gripe is that it's difficult to manage on a low, fixed income.

Anyways, that's the reason why, in a nutshell, I haven't really been updating this place. I suspect that once things settle down, that I'll be back on a more regular basis, but for now... it's all on hiatus.

Quote of the _______

2009-05-01T14:10:00.002-04:00

"The world is very different now. For man holds in his mortal hands the power to abolish all forms of human poverty and all forms of human life."

- John F. Kennedy, from his Inaugural Address.

(As an aside, yeah, no new content as yet.)

Quote of the _______

2009-04-22T12:49:00.000-04:00

"People in the 80s said home taping is killing music. I think it was crap music that was killing music."

-Bono

RIP Dave Arneson

2009-04-09T06:57:00.003-04:00

Dave Arneson
1947 to 2009

Quote of the _______

2009-03-31T20:25:00.001-04:00

"Treat everyone the same until you find out they're an idiot."

- Lucy Lawless

Quote of the _______

2009-03-25T19:55:00.001-04:00

"What I'm saying is that server-side solutions invariably lead to sinister necromantic cabals."

-Tycho, from Penny Arcade, on OnLive.

There goes the neighborhood

2009-03-23T12:22:00.003-04:00

So, I flip over from the DVD I was watching to CP24, and Stephen LeDrew is talking about social networking sites and, more specifically, Twitter. When old media tries to understand new media, the show's over. Remember the Great Boston Mooninite Scare of 2007?

Well, there goes the neighborhood.... again.

Consummatum est

2009-03-22T01:15:00.002-04:00

So, after five years, Battlestar is over. Thank frakkin' God.

It's not that I didn't enjoy it, although there were moments that I didn't, it's that it was a complete story. It didn't drag on until it was irrelevant, it said it's piece, told it's story, and turned the lights out.

The end was very satisfying for me. I was pleased. Not because I guessed it (which I did), but because it just felt right. It was beautiful. A beautiful way to end such an ugly four years. (Yes, I said five above, but said four here. I was counting the miniseries above, but the entire run down here.)

I wouldn't have wanted it to end any other way. Actually, it couldn't have. Simple as that.

March 16, 1959 to March 16, 2009 to ?

2009-03-16T15:17:00.007-04:00

50 Years of Resistance

Sunday, March 8th, 2009

2009-03-08T10:49:00.005-04:00

Happy Birthday, Mary.

I miss you.

Quote of the _______

2009-03-05T17:46:00.001-05:00

"Fun for playing, not for eating."

-Play-Doh TV ad

Something, something, something Darkside... the poster

2009-03-04T18:36:00.004-05:00

"Fall 2009" can't come quick enough.... and why isn't it? It's not like they didn't start this last year.

I do, however, love that Boba Fett will be played by the Chicken.

Just because

2009-02-27T00:08:00.001-05:00

Abe Pagoda
(And I wonder if anyone's ever gotten the joke.)

Two weeks later

2009-02-26T16:37:00.000-05:00

Please stand by. Content potentially on the way.

Media rundown

2009-02-12T10:41:00.004-05:00

I haven't done one of these in a couple of months now, and well, I might not do another as I redefine this place, but here goes anyways:

Watching: Movies - Wanted, The X-Files: I Want to Believe, Mr and Mrs Smith, Dodgeball, Office Space, Forbidden Kingdom, The Golden Compass, and The Dark Knight. TV - Arrested Development, Chuck, Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis, Smallville, Heroes, Battlestar Galactica, and Fringe.
Listening (to): Eagles of Death Metal, MGMT, Miles Davis, Buena Vista Social Club, Kings of Leon, and others, plus various podcasts.
Reading: jPod by Douglas Coupland.
Playing: Persona 4, Star Ocean: First Departure, Crisis Core, Syphon Filter: Dark Mirror, Star Wars: Battlefront - Renegade Squadron, Dawn of Mana, Godzilla Unleashed, God of War: Chains of Olympus, Final Fantasy Tactics: The War of the Lion, Valkyrie Profile Lenneth, The Golden Compass, Red Faction, War of the Monsters, Kingdom Hearts: re:Chain of Memories, Judge Dredd, and Wild Arms: Alter Code F.

A partial transcript from ABC's "This Week"

2009-02-09T23:16:00.002-05:00

From an interview with the new RNC chair:

STEELE: What this administration is talking about is making work. It is creating work.

STEPHANOPOULOS: But that's a job.

STEELE: No, it's not a job. A job is something that -- that a business owner creates. It's going to be long term. What he's creating...

STEPHANOPOULOS: So a job doesn't count if it's a government job?
(CROSSTALK)

STEELE: Hold on. No, let me -- let me -- let me finish. That is a contract. It ends at a certain point, George. You know that. These road projects that we're talking about have an end point.
As a small-business owner, I'm looking to grow my business, expand my business. I want to reach further. I want to be international. I want to be national. It's a whole different perspective on how you create a job versus how you create work. And I'm -- either way, the bottom line is...

STEPHANOPOULOS: I guess I don't really understand that distinction.

STEELE: Well, the difference -- the distinction is this. If a government -- if you've got a government contract that is a fixed period of time, it goes away. The work may go away. That's -- there's no guarantee that that -- that there's going to be more work when you're done in that job.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Yes, but we've seen millions and millions of jobs going away in the private sector just in the last year.

STEELE: But they come -- yes, they -- and they come back, though, George. That's the point. When they go -- they've gone away before, and they come back. And the point is that the small-business owners take the risks. They're the ones that are out there in the morning putting that second mortgage on the house, taking the risks that are necessary so that they can employ your -- your kids and my kids and future generations. That's sustainable, long-term growth.
.......

STEPHANOPOULOS: That is one program. Democrats would say that the broader school construction funding will create jobs. Do you accept that?

STEELE: For a short term, yes. It's a construction job. I agree with that. But, you know, do we need to put -- is that what you -- we need to put in place right now when you can look at other ways in the economy to stimulate that type of growth?

This is why I can't understand how people can support any of the so-called conservative political parties. I mean, you'd have to be an idiot to accept the above, and they can't all be idiots, can they?

On second thought

2009-02-09T12:52:00.000-05:00

Rather than reboot, I'll rebuild.

I like this voice better.

Closing time

2008-12-20T10:47:00.004-05:00

Well, it's been six years, and now I just don't have it in me to continue.

The person who started me on it, and who this place was for, is gone now. I wanted to promise her that I would continue it, but I just can't.

So, with that, I close the doors.

(I might start a different blog, under a different name, but this place has served its purpose.)

Systemic aphasia for the new era

2008-12-13T17:03:00.001-05:00

Well, I'm starting to think that the term internet now includes the meaning "wow, you are a bunch of idiots."

RIP Ms. Page

2008-12-12T06:25:00.005-05:00

Bettie Page
1923-2008

(Note: This may be a pic of Gretchen Mol as Bettie Page, but
the original source says otherwise.)

RIP Uncle Forry

2008-12-05T21:44:00.006-05:00

Forrest J. Ackerman
1916-2008

New term

2008-11-30T09:11:00.004-05:00

hynerdbole: (noun) the mountains made from mole hills by internet nerds, see nerd rage. Ex: "Any idea what bug crawled up the developers brain that caused this trainwreck?" Usage: Don't listen to that, it's just hynerdbole.

On the lack of updates

2008-11-29T11:18:00.001-05:00

It's that time a year, folks.

Not like you'd notice, as you only check out the cosplay pics and/or the Godzilla cloud.

Savages.

As an aside, I did pick up a new 77001 PS2 to replace my aging 30000R. Amanda gets the old one, and I'm glad it'll go to a good home where it can spend it's last years in comfort.

Media Rundown

2008-11-12T10:54:00.003-05:00

Yeah, I've been busy, as it's that time of year again, but not busy enough to stop consuming media....

Watching: Star Wars: the Clone Wars (movie & TV series), Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Get Smart, Get Smart's Bruce & Lloyd: Out of Control, Futurama: Bender's Game, Rodan, War of the Gargantuas, Exiled, Return of the Living Dead 2, Vexille, The Replacement Killers, Chuck, Stargate Atlantis, Smallville, Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles, and Heroes.

Listening (to): M.I.A., Rage Against the Machine, Muse, sundry MP3s on shuffle, Coast to Coast AM, and the Order 66 Podcast.

Reading: Some comics. Really should start reading actual books again, one of these days.

Playing: Rogue Trooper, One Piece: Grand Adventure, and The Simpsons Game.

Media rundown

2008-10-21T23:11:00.003-04:00

Not much to speak of.

Watching: Chuck, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Heroes, Stargate Atlantis, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, and Smallville. Will be watching Rodan and War of the Gargantuas over the next couple of days. I should also watch the final part of Tin Man one of these days, as well.

Listening (to): Random MP3s.

Reading: Not much.

Playing: Jak II and The Simpsons Game.

I haven't really been up to doing much recently, for various reasons.

Quote of the _____ (or, Today on Quote Week)

2008-10-16T12:01:00.001-04:00

"In America, anybody may become president, and I suppose it's just one of the risks you take."

--Adlai Stevenson

Second quote of the _____

2008-10-15T15:23:00.003-04:00

"Personally, I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught."

--Sir Winston Churchill

Vader. Darth Vader.

2008-10-15T12:39:00.003-04:00

Some prime Vader mirth:

and:

Quote of the _____

2008-10-15T00:05:00.001-04:00

"You know you are getting old when all the names in your black book have "MD" after them."

--Harrison Ford

Thanks Canada

2008-10-14T22:23:00.002-04:00

You proved me right.

At least it's not as bad as it could have been.

Another message from our sponsors....

2008-10-13T22:25:00.002-04:00

9 hours and 10 minutes to go

2008-10-13T21:49:00.001-04:00

Okay Canada, prove me wrong.

Prove to me that you aren't the predictable sheep you come off as.

Media rundown

2008-10-08T09:05:00.003-04:00

Yeah, I know, not a lot of content.

Watching: Chuck, Heroes, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Smallville, Mission: Impossible 2, Iron Man, Stargate Atlantis, The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai: Across the Eighth Dimension, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Tin Man, and Fist of Legend.

Listening (to): The Clash, Bad Religion, Bob Marley, CCR, M.I.A., Radiohead, The Verve, the Order 66 Podcast, and sundry MP3s on shuffle.

Reading: Nothing much, still going through the various Star Wars RPG books. I have been eying some books on Amazon, though.

Playing: Jak II, Wild Arms: Alter Code-F, and Star Wars: The Force Unleashed.

How to identify a weather balloon

2008-10-01T19:33:00.002-04:00

Just in case:

FUDD, or here we go again... again!

2008-09-26T14:47:00.006-04:00

So, it's election season again? My, how time flies.

I guess it's time for one of my "WAKE UP, [insert voter base]!" rants. (See: This and this and this and....)

Really, I'm just tired of this. All the sheep out there falling for the rhetoric. I'd like to say it's just a case of FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt), but this time out, it smells like FUDD: Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt and Deception. The Tories have already been called out for lying, which they haven't addressed, and the stupid little game goes on. It doesn't help that Dion's functionally useless as a leader, or that Jack Layton likes to talk a lot. I won't mention May, as she doesn't represent a real party, and nobody really takes her seriously except the media who seem to think that there's a story there.

It's looking more and more like the Tories are going to get a majority, which will flush this country down the toilet. I mean, look at the mess south of the border, and remember who's been running that country for 8 years now. Sure, you could point to the Democrats in the house, but the Republicans are who are making sure that nothing gets done. Bush is coming off as a saviour, but really...?

So, Canada, do you really want to elect a party who wishes that they were the GOP? And by wishes, I means prays to their evil black deity (whom they call God, but I have my doubts) with all that their little black hearts can muster each night to be included on Dubya's Christmas card list. Do you? Really?

If so, don't say I didn't warn you. You'll just vote like you're told to, and then whine when things are a mess again.

Yeah, Canada, you'll get what you deserve if they get a majority.

I won't have a self-satisfied grin when it's exposed that I'm right, because I'll be too busy lubing up for what's coming. If I can't have a socially responsible government, I'll at least want to be somewhat comfortable getting what you people wanted.

Thanks in advance for that.

I can't believe I took this test

2008-09-25T00:43:00.007-04:00

The Boy Next Door

Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLD)

Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet.

We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what.

On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold.

More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not.

Your exact male opposite:

The 5-Night Stand

Deliberate Brutal Sex Master

Always avoid: The Nymph (DBSD)

Consider: The Maid of Honor (DGLM), The Peach (RGLM)

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test | OkCupid - free online dating | Dating

A message from our sponsors....

2008-09-23T10:24:00.000-04:00

MST3k on T&A:

Another content free week

2008-09-20T17:23:00.002-04:00

Yeah, I haven't exactly been posting recently. Honestly, not enough time and too little to talk about, or rather, nothing really worth talking about. Anyways....

Watching: Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles, Stargate Atlantis, Smallville, and I think that was about it. Haven't been watching a lot of anything recently.

Listening (to): Bob Marley, Creedence Clearwater Revival, The Verve, Radiohead, MIA, Black Sabbath, Thievery Corporation, Public Enemy, Daft Punk and the Order 66 podcast.

Reading: various Star Wars RPG books, comics, and Coruscant Nights: Jedi Twilight.

Playing: Star Wars: The Force Unleashed and Wild ARMS: Alter Code F.

Mantra

2008-09-13T15:30:00.001-04:00

The more you know, the less you can know.

Saturday

2008-09-13T14:01:00.000-04:00

It's raining outside. Dreary.

I am alone today.

I wish I wasn't.

Redacted

2008-09-11T22:43:00.001-04:00

Yeah, about the below?

I'm a jackass.

Nothing interesting happened today, part 1

2008-09-11T13:37:00.005-04:00

It's been just over three months since Mary died. Most days, I'm perfectly fine, but then something hits me, and I'm a wreck. I can deal with feeling sad, as losing Mary is a sad thing, but I hate how it affects my relationships with other people. I generally either get hyper-sensitive or else I get apathetic at these times. Over the weekend, it was apathy, this week it's hyper-sensitive. I'm guessing apathy this weekend too.

Last night, I needed to talk to someone, but I couldn't.

The person who said that they would always be a phone call away, wasn't, and didn't reply over MSN. I ended up crying myself to a fitful sleep. While I know that I'm probably not being ignored, I can't really know either way, but I definitely feel that I am. All I needed was 15 minutes of human contact, a friendly voice, and I couldn't get it.

Quote of the _____

2008-09-08T14:21:00.002-04:00

"Americans are a broad-minded people. They'll accept the fact a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater, but if a man reads comics then there's something wrong with him"

-- Warren Ellis

Note to Amanda

2008-09-07T20:45:00.002-04:00

This wasn't the outlet I was referring to.

Media rundown

2008-09-06T00:41:00.003-04:00

Again, it's a case of too much has happened, and not enough I can go into detail about. That said, this is what I've been chewing over the past few weeks....

Watching: The Usual Suspects, The Machine Girl, Next Avengers and Stargate Atlantis season 5.

Listening (to): Radiohead, MIA, DJ Shadow, Daft Punk, Amy Winehouse, Thievery Corporation, Led Zeppelin, sundry MP3s in my playlist, Order 66 Podcast, and Coast to Coast AM.

Reading: Lots of Star Wars stuff- Knights of the Old Republic volume 4, Knights of the Old Republic Campaign Guide, The Force Unleashed, Infinities - Return of the Jedi, Coruscant Nights: Jedi Twilight.

Playing: A bit of Jedi Academy and a bit of Thief: The Dark Project (to see how/if it works in XP.)

In a world...

2008-09-03T00:01:00.002-04:00

... without Don LaFontaine.

The voice will definitely be missed, and trailers will never be the same.

BTW, the guy you were thinking it was, is Hal Douglas of the Comedian trailer fame.

Don't worry. I got them mixed up too.

Back with a media rundown

2008-08-23T11:43:00.004-04:00

So much I want to talk about, very little I can, so here's a media rundown...

Watching: Yo-Yo Girl Cop, The Warriors, The Mutant Chronicles, Mission: Impossible, Freakazoid! season 1, and Stargate Atlantis season 5.

Listening (to): Amy Winehouse, Thievery Corporation, M.I.A., Daft Punk, Black Sabbath, and random MP3s.

Reading: Star Wars- Coruscant Nights: Jedi Twilight, Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, and Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic Campaign Guide.

Playing: Wild Arms 5 and Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King.

It's been both an eventful couple of weeks, and uneventful at the same time. There's plenty of stuff to cover, but I can't really cover it at the moment as I really need to think some more. I will say that it's all levels of good, and it's been a nice change to the past year of bad things. The future looks promising now, and I haven't been able to say that in ages.

Last post

2008-08-11T18:15:00.001-04:00

This is going to be my last post for a while.

I'm taking time off, and I don't have an urge to post here for a while.

So, shut the lights off, and lock the doors on your way out.

Damn, what a weekend.

2008-08-10T17:51:00.005-04:00

Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes in the same weekend. Damn.

In all honesty, I probably wouldn't be all that depressed about Bernie Mac if it weren't for the fact that it was similar to Mary's death, and it's now hit the two month marker. That's not to say it isn't a sad loss, but I don't know the man and wasn't exactly a fan.

As for Isaac Hayes... that's just a kick when I'm down.

RIP, Mr. Mack.
RIP, Mr. Hayes.

Congrats

2008-08-06T22:58:00.003-04:00

Well, it looks like my link to Anne Galloway's blog needs to be changed to Dr. Anne Galloway. Her PhD candidacy (if that's the proper terminology) has been a public adventure, and it's great to see that her hard work has paid off. The only sad part is that Mary wasn't here to see it. She was greatly inspired by Anne's work, and was the person who introduced me to her blog in the first place.

That said, congrats again, Dr. Anne Galloway, PhD.

Media rundown

2008-07-31T11:07:00.002-04:00

Once again, I'll keep this brief...

Watching: Spaced the Complete Series, The City of Violence, Swamp Thing the Series, Stargate: Continuum, Terror of MechaGodzilla, Divergence, Shogun Assassin 5: Cold Road to Hell, and Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.

Listening (to): Stuff.

Reading: Star Wars - Coruscant Nights 1: Jedi Twilight. Maybe Spook Country next. Reading has become such a chore anymore.

Playing: Elder Scrolls Morrowind and Dragon Quest VIII: The Journey of the Cursed King.

Obfuscation and dilemmas

2008-07-28T23:26:00.002-04:00

Some days I hate being attached to my mind. This is one of them.

I'm having one of those age old dilemmas where you want to say something to someone, but you just can't. You can jump to any conclusions that you want, and they may be dead on accurate or completely off base. I don't really care about that part either way.

The part that I'm finding somewhat amusing, if ironic, is that my own attempts at obfuscation have created obfuscation aimed, unintentionally, at me. I wish I wasn't the coward that I am. Of course, being the coward that I am has led to some wonderful things that I can't imagine having lived without... well, except the one, which I'm learning to live without.

I once said that I wish had the confidence that I used to have, but in reconsideration, I don't think I ever really did have it. I was just manic at the time. Being bi-polar changes things like that.

I think that I've become more comfortable with regret than with change. I need change, but I fear it. I fear falling again, like I have so many times before, and I've grown used to sitting at the bottom looking up. I shouldn't. I shouldn't limit myself this way, but I do. I haven't tested these limits in years, and I've defined myself by them. I know I can do more, but I've forgotten how to. I'm sure I'd pick it up again in a snap, but my fear is that I'll just fall on my face.

2007 was a year of failures for me, and 2008 has been a year of tragedy, so far.

I want 2008 to be more than that.

100 % Pure Nerd

2008-07-24T22:23:00.001-04:00

Your result for The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test...

Pure Nerd

57 % Nerd, 39% Geek, 30% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd.

The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful.

Congratulations!
Take The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test at HelloQuizzy

Spaced out

2008-07-23T10:50:00.003-04:00

(Yeah, that was lame, but it's the best I could come up with in my current condition.)

So, I bought this yesterday:

I also did a marathon of it, and now I'm hungover from it. It's so good, but it's also pretty emotionally draining as it really echoes my life in a number of ways. Rather than identifying with one or the other, I'm more of a mix of both Tim & Daisy, and I've been where they've been to. What's unfortunate, is that instead of happy turnaround that occurs, I ended up being forced to move back to Paris, where I am today. So, Spaced is a bittersweet experience for me, hence the hangover.

I do, however, whole-heartedly recommend the series to anyone who connects with Kevin Smith movies. Smith himself sums up the series in his cover quote: ‘Spaced’ is kinda like watching a Kevin Smith film if Kevin Smith had any real talent.”

A review from the Kansas City Star actually sums things up quite well, but ends sort of... abruptly. The best thing about the series is that it has the comedy pace of something like Family Guy or The Simpsons, but remains (mostly) grounded in reality. If you loved the movies Shaun of the Dead and/or Hot Fuzz, then you'll love this series.

DVD Talk review.
Official web site.

Quote of the _____

2008-07-22T12:56:00.000-04:00

"Was I asleep? Had I slept? Was Tyler my bad dream or was I Tyler's? I was living in a state of perpetual deja vu."

- the Narrator, Fight Club

My brain just broke: Chandi Chowk To China

2008-07-22T12:15:00.003-04:00

It's a Bollywood/HK co-production complete with Shaw Brothers legend Gordon Liu:

The idea of a Bollywood musical/comedy with decent wirework, even if it seems to rip Stephen Chow a lot, seems too goofy to miss.

10 days, huh?

2008-07-17T15:34:00.006-04:00

Wow, has it really been 10 days since I sat here to think about the grieving process?

A lot has changed, and a lot has stayed the same. I still miss her greatly, but I'm more at ease about it. Instead of multiple times a day, I'm now wondering what to do without her maybe once a day, or every couple of days. Life has gone on, and while I still don't find a lot of enjoyment in it, there isn't the dark cloud over my head like their was a few weeks back.

Last weekend, I had an epiphany of sorts, where I realized exactly what Mary saw in me. It came from talking with other friends of hers, and balancing the differences that we had. What she saw in me was a mirror. What I saw in her, she saw in me, and it was an oasis when she needed one.

Amanda asked me if this gave me a sense of closure finally, and in thinking about it, I don't think it did. The sense of closure has always been there, and the finality of everything is something I accepted almost immediately. What's been hanging me up is my inability to allow myself to accept that I had accepted that. (Yes, I know, that's awfully meta, but it's all I could think of.)

I've been trying to intellectualize something that simply can't be intellectualized. Loss isn't an abstract intellectual concept (well, okay it is, but it's not quantum theory, ok?), it isn't something that can be qualified or quantified, and over-thinking about it sure as hell isn't going to help you go on. It just is what it is. You need to live, and to experience life, in order to help you go on, and that's something I wasn't able to do until this past weekend.

I still have issues believing she's gone, but I no longer worry about those issues. I need to feel what I feel, and just allow those feelings to breathe. I can't keep bottling them up with attempts to intellectualize my grief, and then beat myself up for not being at a certain place by now. That's just unhealthy.

I have to keep in mind that I'll never forget her, and that even if her death isn't first and foremost in my brain, I'm not writing her out of my life. She is out of my life, on a physical sense, and life does go on. She'll always be a major part of me, because I was always a major part of her. She will always be with me, even if it's unconscious. It's not forgetting her, it's living the way she'd want me to.

My only regrets now are that she can't share this revelation with me. I know that, at the least, she'd respond with a "Whoa!" and that makes me smile.

Gamer Cred

2008-07-17T14:31:00.003-04:00

So, I haven't got a PS3 yet, but I've got a PSN ID.

And a XBL Gamertag:

Put your gamertag here too.

Media rundown

2008-07-16T00:44:00.002-04:00

I'll keep this brief.

Watching: Hellboy 2: The Golden Army, Death Race 2000, Bones season 1, Family Guy vol. 1, and The Venture Bros. season 3.

Listening (to): Stuff, really.

Reading: Star Wars - Legacy vol. 3, Hellboy: the Lost Army, and will probably be starting William Gibson's Spook Country in the near future.

Playing: The Orange Box.

Just shoot me

2008-07-11T15:12:00.002-04:00

I picked up Bones season one for, well, insanely cheap. I mean, less than a McDonald's value meal cheap, and well, I'm bloody well hooked.

Gah.

I can't get season two for even remotely as cheap. (To illustrate, with season one, I paid 10% of what I would pay for season two, and that's with tax included.)

Gah.

Quote of the ______

2008-07-10T21:38:00.001-04:00

"(Guillermo del Toro) has an endlessly inventive imagination, and understands how legends work, why they entertain us and that they sometimes stand for something. For love, for example."

- Roger Ebert, review of Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

I know the net?

2008-07-10T01:50:00.000-04:00

Temptation

2008-07-09T22:04:00.000-04:00

Man, even though I'll probably never once play it, just like 3e, I'm sorely tempted by the 4e giftset.

Media rundown

2008-07-09T13:53:00.004-04:00

It's been what? Two or three weeks since the last one? Well, here we go....

Watching: Batman: Gotham Knight, Bones season 1, Steamboy, Swamp Thing: the Series season 1, Stargate: Continuum, The Venture Bros. season 3, and Family Guy vol. 1. I've got to hit Batman & Mr. Freeze: Subzero, Paprika, Tekkon Kinkreet, and Patlabor the Movie sometime this week, too.

Listening (to): Coast to Coast AM, Order 66 podcast, WotC Star Wars podcast, and various music MP3s. Also, enjoying the hell out of Amy Winehouse's Back to Black at work.

Reading: Nothing much.

Playing: It's been PC gaming this time around with Neverwinter Nights, Far Cry, Puzzle Quest, and Return to Castle Wolfenstein. (I think there's been some Solitaire in there too.)

I've been spending too much time in front of my computer. Way too much time.

I need a change.

Look at the counter

2008-07-09T13:38:00.003-04:00

See how high it is?

Looks impressive, right? Well, it's not.

Those are almost all hits from some site that links to a photo on a post from 2006. I'd say stolen bandwidth, but I think it links to yet another site, if I remember correctly.

Nobody actually reads this blog, except for a couple of people, and they are few and far between.

So, spammers? Go somewhere else.

I think I might actually shut this place down for good, as my reason for it is gone, and even she didn't read it very often at all.

Another Monday

2008-07-07T22:41:00.003-04:00

I'll make no secret of it, I've been a headcase for the past couple of days. I've got people worried about me, and there's really nothing I can do to allay those worries. I'm not particularly concerned about myself, as I know I'll pull through, but I don't want to hurt those around me. I just need to shut myself off for a little bit to recharge.

The humidity is just making things worse, and I wish I had some sort of easy coping mechanism to turn to.

I don't know what to make of this

2008-07-04T23:53:00.004-04:00

I just saw on the news that the crematorium where Mary was cremated burned down late this afternoon.

Update: False alarm. Right funeral company, wrong location. I am, officially, an idiot.

Month 2

2008-07-01T20:49:00.003-04:00

So, here's the beginning of the second month since my life changed.

I'm in a better state than I was yesterday, that's for sure. I'm really glad that I've gotten to know Amanda better, as I don't know what I would've done this past month without her. I'm lucky to have friends like her. Nobody will ever replace Mary, but I know that there's good people out there who've got my back.

I really don't have much to say today, as I really haven't done anything today. I've been goofing around with Neverwinter Nights, surfing, and attempting to watch Steamboy. I'm really tired today, but not feeling lonely and probably not sad. (Although, my sheer sleepiness could be hiding it.)

Yesterday, James brought me some of my stuff from Mary's apartment, and it was somewhat bittersweet. I've got (most) of my stuff back, and I've got a few keepsakes now, but there's still some pain with it. I still have to get some stuff that's at the Chung's house, but I don't know when I'll be up there. I'll probably make a detour there when I visit Amanda, which will hopefully in two weeks.

As an aside, if anybody who reads this is looking to adopt an older cat, female, then drop me a line. Mary's cat Oreo needs a home. She's stressed out, and still has claws, but once settled she's a sweetheart.

Monday

2008-06-30T10:41:00.003-04:00

Why did I decide that blogging the grieving process would be a good idea?

Today, I'm tired, sad and lonely.

I think I'll just go back to bed. I've been up about 2 hours, and well, it is a day off. I don't need to be conscious today, so sleeping in to noon might be beneficial to my well being.

What I said about her smile still stands, but she'd sleep in until noon too.

Because I know she'll find it...

2008-06-27T20:51:00.004-04:00

If I link to your Livejournal, you will come.

Yo, Nicole. I haven't heard from you since before the wedding. (Yeah, it was that long ago.)

How's things?

(If you're reading this now, you basically know how they've been for me recently.)

Today is Wednesday

2008-06-25T15:17:00.004-04:00

The above photo of Mary was taken by James, and it was take a bit after her shoulder surgery.

This photo sums up what I admired most about her. She could be battered and bruised, with her hair all mussed up, but she'd always smile through it. Sure, sometimes it would take a bit of coaxing, but it would come out, and come out bright.

This smile is what motivates me today.

I know that I won't see it with my eyes, but I will see it with my heart. If I do right, and do her proud, I know it will be there for me.

We're coming close to closing the worst month of my life, and I do feel that there's light ahead. I still do miss her terribly, but I will cope. I must.

Dear World,

2008-06-24T15:08:00.001-04:00

Just because I have a phone, it doesn't mean I have to answer it.

Love,
Jason

Media rundown

2008-06-24T12:53:00.005-04:00

Despite what's been going on, I've been trying to keep my mind busy, and I have been trying to keep on keeping on. So, here's what I've been consuming...

Watching: Battlestar Galactica season 4, Beck: Mongolian Chop Squad vol. 1 & 2, The Invaders season 1, The Venture Bros. season3, Batman Begins, Justice League: the New Frontier, Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs, and the leaked premiere of Stargate: Atlantis season 5.

Listening (to): Coast to Coast AM, Open Mind with Bill Jenkins, Order 66 podcast, The Jam, Thievery Corporation, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, The Specials and Madness.

Reading: Nothing concrete, and basically whatever I find laying around.

Playing: Far Cry, Return to Castle Wolfenstein, Black, Suikoden III, Tales of the Abyss, Phantasy Star Universe, LEGO Indiana Jones and Puzzle Quest.

It's been tough finding enjoyment in things, but I know she'd be upset if I didn't.

It's Sunday now

2008-06-22T02:59:00.004-04:00

As you can tell by the time stamp, it's around 3AM on Sunday, June 22nd.

The quiet times are the real killers.

I don't know what to call the feelings I have. It's less than outright depression, but more than just mere melancholy. I was she was here. Well, I wish that anyone was here. I think I just need to curl up with someone at the moment, and it hurts that there is no someone. I feel alone at these times, and I guess I am, to a certain extent.

I'd call up James, but I don't want to bring him down. He seems to be having a rougher time of it, as he really doesn't have much in the way of a support group. I'm lucky that I do, but I'm still stunned by it. People have come out of the woodwork to help me, and I just don't understand it. I guess that I, like Mary, underestimate myself.

I'd call up Amanda, but it's way too late. She says she doesn't mind, but I do. I appreciate that she's there. Hell, I'm absolutely ecstatic that she's there, but calling her at 3AM just to hear a warm voice isn't fair. I'll be okay when I wake up. I'll call her later.

I still can't quite understand all this. Well, that's not completely accurate, I do understand. I just can't believe. I know she's gone, I feel the loss, but part of me just can't accept it. I really don't know what this part of me is, and I don't know why it can't accept it. It's not like I don't comprehend things, because I do, but a part of me just seems to refuse to accept reality.

I long for the day when I can function normally. I thought I was there, but maybe I'm not. I'm doing better, but I know this is going to be a long, long haul. I need to get on with life, but I've forgotten how to.

Tonight's the first night I've cried in days.

I wish she was here.

A new Saturday

2008-06-21T12:24:00.003-04:00

Well, here it is, three weeks later.

My head is definitely in a better place now. I still miss her terribly, but I'm really starting to let go now. I do have to move on. I'll never forget her. Never. I do have to leave grief in the past, though.

That's not to say that I won't still be grieving, as I will. Mary was everything to me, and the idea of going on with out her is a desperately difficult one. I have to though. I have to make myself the person that Mary wanted me to be. I'm going to need a lot of help with this, as I know I can't do it alone, but it's something I have to achieve.

If I don't, I'll be failing her.

I will not fail her.

Who's with me?

Disbelief and the past-tense

2008-06-18T12:30:00.018-04:00

At the risk of sounding flippant, grief sucks.

The most annoying aspect is that most others just don't understand it. They think that I should be okay, and that things should carry on as normal. I try not to be insulted by it, as they really don't know better, but it is insulting. I know that I'm a bit of a headcase, and I know that it's affecting how I go about my day. It's to be expected within a couple of weeks of such a major and sudden loss. If it had been a gradual experience, I would be more okay with myself, but it wasn't. It was an absolute shock, with no warning.

On a purely intellectual level, I get it. She's dead. She's not with us anymore, and I need to go on. On a spiritual level, I can't comprehend it. I'm not delusional. I'm not in denial. I just can't understand why it happened the way it happened.

In a period of probably thirty minutes, I went from relief to Battlestar Galactica's starting to she's gone. Everybody I know who has had a loss in recent years knew their loss was coming. For me, the person I loved most in life was just gone, with no warning, in what felt like the blink of an eye. This isn't something you can prepare for, and it's something that stays with you. You question the value of everything, and most things come up wanting.

That said, all things considered, I'm doing better than others have done in my situation. I'm not suicidal. I'm not catatonic. I haven't given into chemical abuse. I'm not wallowing in self-pity. I'm just in spiritual agony and have no choice but to brave it. I have to go on, which is ridiculously easier said than done.

At this point, I need to explore the world, to find my place in it again. I need to take some serious time off, and I need to have it funded. I need, at a minimum, between $5000 to $10000 to achieve that and with no strings attached. I don't need a loan, I need a grant. I fully understand that nobody is about to help me with that, and I'm not delusional enough to think that I'm somehow entitled to it. It is, however, what I need to heal and get myself on my feet again.

As it stands, I'm barely holding onto my employment. I fully expect to have a 'talking to' about my current state, and I fully expect to be removed from my job. I fully expect to have it illustrated that we do not live in a compassionate society, but a society that pays a lot of lip service to compassion.

I know this sounds like "woe is me, for I am suffering", but it's the cold reality of the world. Of course, there are kind, compassionate souls out there, but they are in the singular, don't represent the whole, and alone, can do little in the long run. This isn't to diminish their ability to help, as it does help greatly, but at the same time, there is little they can do for the big picture.

Yes, I am upset.

And, it is (mostly) justified.

All I want is to not be upset anymore.

Can anyone help me with that?