Sunday, June 22, 2008

It's Sunday now

As you can tell by the time stamp, it's around 3AM on Sunday, June 22nd.

The quiet times are the real killers.

I don't know what to call the feelings I have. It's less than outright depression, but more than just mere melancholy. I was she was here. Well, I wish that anyone was here. I think I just need to curl up with someone at the moment, and it hurts that there is no someone. I feel alone at these times, and I guess I am, to a certain extent.

I'd call up James, but I don't want to bring him down. He seems to be having a rougher time of it, as he really doesn't have much in the way of a support group. I'm lucky that I do, but I'm still stunned by it. People have come out of the woodwork to help me, and I just don't understand it. I guess that I, like Mary, underestimate myself.

I'd call up Amanda, but it's way too late. She says she doesn't mind, but I do. I appreciate that she's there. Hell, I'm absolutely ecstatic that she's there, but calling her at 3AM just to hear a warm voice isn't fair. I'll be okay when I wake up. I'll call her later.

I still can't quite understand all this. Well, that's not completely accurate, I do understand. I just can't believe. I know she's gone, I feel the loss, but part of me just can't accept it. I really don't know what this part of me is, and I don't know why it can't accept it. It's not like I don't comprehend things, because I do, but a part of me just seems to refuse to accept reality.

I long for the day when I can function normally. I thought I was there, but maybe I'm not. I'm doing better, but I know this is going to be a long, long haul. I need to get on with life, but I've forgotten how to.

Tonight's the first night I've cried in days.

I wish she was here.

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