New blog
I may update this one from time to time when I need to write something not video game related, otherwise, my new blog is
Single Player Offline.
Labels: personal crap, site stuff, video games
Ch-Changes
Yeah, it's been over a month, and nothing really to talk about it.
Well, there's my near meltdown and my attempts to keep people at arms length from me for both my own best interests as well as theirs. I'm single again, and relieved. Not out of some feeling of being freed from a ball and chain, but more that I don't have to worry about dragging someone else down with me, as it's been a rough time these past few weeks between posts.
School's going okay. Not as well as I want it to be, but my grades are still in the 80+ range. My Programming in Java class has been particularly hellish, as our lectures are generally two weeks behind our assignments, meaning that we don't actually learn how to do them until it's a couple of hours before the assignment is due. Needless to say, this has created a huge amount of stress for me, amongst all the other sources of stress I've had.
I've basically been hanging on by my bloodied fingernails, and slipping the entire time. That said, reading week's been good for me. Even though I should have been doing more work, I've used the time to just relax (well, when not spewing profanity at my TV and video game consoles.) I think my nervous stomach has returned, and I'm not exactly impressed with that. I've thrown up more in the past few months than I have in the past few years.
Anywho, that's the personal crap, on with a media rundown.
Watching: Escaflowne, Halo Legends, Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths, Pandorum, Surrogates, Gamer, Planet Hulk, Zomebieland, The Hangover, Chocolate, Mad Detective, New Police Story, Super Robot Red Baron, random anime, and random TV shows.
Listening (to): A lot of Coast to Coast AM streaming over the internet, and random MP3s while walking to class.
Reading: Textbooks, duh.
Playing: PS2- Mercenaries. 360- Fallout 3, Fable 2, Mercenaries 2, Gears of War, Halo, Brutal Legend.
And that's about that. I'm counting the days until finals are over, and I can chill for the summer (I hope.)
Labels: media rundown, personal crap, self-deprecation, site stuff
First post of 2010
Well, nothing really much to report on, although I want to point out my Gamercard:
As for other stuff, I really miss the three women of my life. I miss Reni. I miss Amanda. I miss Mary, and I will always miss her. She'd find the above infinitely cool, as she would find my schooling, my media consumption, and well, everything. This isn't to belittle the other two, not in the least, but that special Mary-ness is something that the world will never have again.
Also, it's a little late at this point, but I welcome Saul Mayer Biro to the world. Dina & Elliot had a little guy (well, Dina did. Elliot supplied DNA.) His middle name is named after Mary, and this makes me tear up a little every time I think of it.
The holidays haven't been good for me in years, but this year was the least painful in memory.
Anyways, that's it for the random updates. I'm wiped, and I think I'll take another nap.
Labels: mary chung, personal crap, random, update, video games
Media rundown and other updates
Well, here's an 'official' post... sorta...
Watching: I really haven't done much of anything media rundown related. The only movie I've watched to completion is Kung Fu Panda, but I've acquired and attempted to watch many others including: My Neighbor Totoro, Sonny Chiba's Masutatsu Oyama Trilogy, The Sister Street Fighter Collection, The Lethal Chiba Collection, Eastern Horror collection, Jonny Quest season 1, Cowboy Bebop, G.I. Joe Resolute, Samurai Jack, Invisible Man season 1, Flash Gordon, Salton Sea, Gangster No. 1, Mad Detective, Sky Crawlers, Shanghai Noon, Shanghai Knights, and Big Man Japan.
Listening (to): Various MP3s, and streaming Art Bell Classics.
Reading: Nada
Playing: Assassin's Creed, Halo 3, Gears of War 2, Batman: Arkham Asylum, Mirror's Edge, Kung Fu Panda, Fable, DOA3, Bioshock, Spider-Man 3, Stranglehold, Hexic HD, Geometry Wars, and Prince of Persia.
There's been two new things in my life, and both have changed how I spend my time. First on the block was an Xbox 360, which is what I've been playing all the games on. Second up, but not second to me, is my wonderful girlfriend Reni. My first semester of school was very successful, with my getting a 92% average, but I know that I can do better. I slacked off at the end, but that was a three fold thing: burnout, new Xbox, and new girlfriend. In hindsight, I could have timed things a lot better, but I didn't.
Labels: media rundown, personal crap
Media rundown
Wow, talk about being busy. I think that my blog is officially on hiatus during the school year as I really don't have the time to update it as much as I should. That said, here's a media rundown...
Watching: Theatre -
Evangelion 1.0: You are (not) Alone. DVD -
Battle in Outer Space,
The H-Man, and
Superman/Batman: Public Enemies. TV -
Smallville,
Supernatural,
Fringe,
Heroes, and
Warehouse 13.
Listening (to):
The Resistance by Muse, and various podcasts.
Reading: Heh... stuff for school.
Playing:
Wild Arms (on my PSP)
Labels: media rundown, personal crap
Stereotypical blog entry
Man, I am soooo sick. Fever, headache, abdominal pain, nausea... the whole stomach bug menu.
And this was going to be the weekend where I get caught up on everything. Joy.
Labels: personal crap
Media rundown and personal update
It's been about a month since I've done a rundown, so it's about time.
Watching: Theatre -
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. DVD -
Drunken Monkey,
Enter the Dragon,
Watchmen the Director's Cut,
Green Lantern: First Flight,
Hulk Vs.,
Invasion of Astro-Monster,
Destroy All Monsters,
Godzilla 2000,
Iron King,
Justice League Unlimited (both volumes), and
Stargate SG-1 seasons 9 & 10. TV -
Leverage,
Warehouse 13,
Better Off Ted, and
Burn Notice.
Listening (to): Random music and podcasts.
Reading: F. Paul Wilson's
The Tomb,
All-Star Superman, and
Superman: Our Worlds at War.
Playing:
The Godfather,
The Bard's Tale, and
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.
The nutshell of stuff going on is that the preparations for returning to school are still going on, I'm still trying to reconcile with a friend, and I'm still bored out of my skull waiting between things happening.
The good news is that I'm finally at peace with my issues regarding that friend. I now feel as though I've done all I can do to repair things, going beyond what I really needed to do, and now my karmic debt is paid. At this point, it's up to the friend to step up and take what I've offered. My conscience is clear, and I know that I know that my reasons have been pure. If they're sincere in their intentions in regards to personal growth, it's in their best interest to accept things, as I've made it easy for them to fix this.
We'll see.
Labels: media rundown, personal crap
A change of outlook
Well, it's a week later, and the Jija lust is still there, but everything else feels different. Things feel like they're moving forward, rather than just running on spot, or worse, backpedaling into the past.
- School looks like it's going to happen, once the red tape and redundant bureaucracy is out of the way.
- My friend is "no longer angry", whatever that means. If it does mean that things can heal, then that's good, but I have my reservations about that. I'm optimistic, though, but it's going to be a long haul. We've both done a lot of damage to the other side, but I don't think it's irreparable.
- I got most of my stuff back.
Anywho, here's to looking forward.
Labels: personal crap
Realizations
You know, I'm finding that I'm just not into role-playing games anymore. I've labeled myself as a gamer for around 26 years now, and I'm just realizing that I really don't like it. I'm not sure if it's the people, or if it's the activity itself. I'd rather just play a video game to get fun out of playing a game, and I'd rather just sit around talking to friends to get the socialization . If the two need to be mixed, then a board game is more than enough.
So, I think that I'll run that Star Wars game as a send-off to myself. After that, no more.
Labels: personal crap
The lack of activity
Heh, where to start.
The past three months have been hellish, each with it's own separate, yet interconnected, issue. April was losing my job. May was losing a friendship. June is losing my mind trying to get enrolled in school for the fall, and losing my patience with the government retraining programs.
Losing my job was a good thing, it's inspired me to go back to school, and finally take control of my life. I've been struggling for far too long, and it's good to actually have something to look forward to. I haven't had that in ages, and as frightening as the ordeal is, it's going to work out in the end. I've learned to get over my own bias and an irrational fear of a stigma from my highschool days. It's amazing the baggage you keep without realizing it.
Losing the friendship, while pretty crappy, is ultimately a good thing as I realize that it was something destructive and toxic. I turned to the wrong person, at the wrong time, and it was hurting me far more than it helped. The tragic thing is that the friend doesn't even understand the issues involved, or at least, doesn't want to and blames it all on me. (In fact, they've accused me of making it all up.) I hope that someday, when things are better for both of us, that a friendship can be redeveloped, but I have my doubts. It's one of those cases where they'll have to hit bottom in order to get what happened, and I doubt that they will, or worse, that there will be nothing left of them to recognize when it happens. I still can hope, though.
Finally, this whole experience with the retraining folks is pretty counter intuitive and feels largely counter productive. It almost feels as if they're trying to discourage you from getting help from them as there are large gaps in the process that just don't make sense. With luck and perseverance , I'll have everything out of the way by early July, and I will be fully funded for fall. My only other gripe is that it's difficult to manage on a low, fixed income.
Anyways, that's the reason why, in a nutshell, I haven't really been updating this place. I suspect that once things settle down, that I'll be back on a more regular basis, but for now... it's all on hiatus.
Labels: personal crap
Saturday
It's raining outside. Dreary.
I am alone today.
I wish I wasn't.
Labels: personal crap
Redacted
Yeah, about the below?
I'm a jackass.
Labels: personal crap
Nothing interesting happened today, part 1
It's been just over three months since Mary died. Most days, I'm perfectly fine, but then something hits me, and I'm a wreck. I can deal with feeling sad, as losing Mary is a sad thing, but I hate how it affects my relationships with other people. I generally either get hyper-sensitive or else I get apathetic at these times. Over the weekend, it was apathy, this week it's hyper-sensitive. I'm guessing apathy this weekend too.
Last night, I needed to talk to someone, but I couldn't.
The person who said that they would always be a phone call away, wasn't, and didn't reply over MSN. I ended up crying myself to a fitful sleep. While I know that I'm probably not being ignored, I can't really know either way, but I definitely feel that I am. All I needed was 15 minutes of human contact, a friendly voice, and I couldn't get it.
Labels: grieving, mary chung, personal crap
Note to Amanda
This wasn't the outlet I was referring to.
Labels: ego, humour, personal crap, site stuff
Obfuscation and dilemmas
Some days I hate being attached to my mind. This is one of them.
I'm having one of those age old dilemmas where you want to say something to someone, but you just can't. You can jump to any conclusions that you want, and they may be dead on accurate or completely off base. I don't really care about that part either way.
The part that I'm finding somewhat amusing, if ironic, is that my own attempts at obfuscation have created obfuscation aimed, unintentionally, at me. I wish I wasn't the coward that I am. Of course, being the coward that I am has led to some wonderful things that I can't imagine having lived without... well, except the one, which I'm learning to live without.
I once said that I wish had the confidence that I used to have, but in reconsideration, I don't think I ever really did have it. I was just manic at the time. Being bi-polar changes things like that.
I think that I've become more comfortable with regret than with change. I need change, but I fear it. I fear falling again, like I have so many times before, and I've grown used to sitting at the bottom looking up. I shouldn't. I shouldn't limit myself this way, but I do. I haven't tested these limits in years, and I've defined myself by them. I know I can do more, but I've forgotten how to. I'm sure I'd pick it up again in a snap, but my fear is that I'll just fall on my face.
2007 was a year of failures for me, and 2008 has been a year of tragedy, so far.
I want 2008 to be more than that.
Labels: personal crap
Just shoot me
I picked up
Bones season one for, well, insanely cheap. I mean, less than a McDonald's value meal cheap, and well, I'm bloody well hooked.
Gah.
I can't get season two for even remotely as cheap. (To illustrate, with season one, I paid 10% of what I would pay for season two, and that's with tax included.)
Gah.
Labels: personal crap, TV
Month 2
So, here's the beginning of the second month since my life changed.
I'm in a better state than I was yesterday, that's for sure. I'm really glad that I've gotten to know Amanda better, as I don't know what I would've done this past month without her. I'm lucky to have friends like her. Nobody will ever replace Mary, but I know that there's good people out there who've got my back.
I really don't have much to say today, as I really haven't done anything today. I've been goofing around with Neverwinter Nights, surfing, and attempting to watch Steamboy. I'm really tired today, but not feeling lonely and probably not sad. (Although, my sheer sleepiness could be hiding it.)
Yesterday, James brought me some of my stuff from Mary's apartment, and it was somewhat bittersweet. I've got (most) of my stuff back, and I've got a few keepsakes now, but there's still some pain with it. I still have to get some stuff that's at the Chung's house, but I don't know when I'll be up there. I'll probably make a detour there when I visit Amanda, which will hopefully in two weeks.
As an aside, if anybody who reads this is looking to adopt an older cat, female, then drop me a line. Mary's cat Oreo needs a home. She's stressed out, and still has claws, but once settled she's a sweetheart.
Labels: grieving, mary chung, personal crap
It's Sunday now
As you can tell by the time stamp, it's around 3AM on Sunday, June 22nd.
The quiet times are the real killers.
I don't know what to call the feelings I have. It's less than outright depression, but more than just mere melancholy. I was she was here. Well, I wish that anyone was here. I think I just need to curl up with someone at the moment, and it hurts that there is no someone. I feel alone at these times, and I guess I am, to a certain extent.
I'd call up James, but I don't want to bring him down. He seems to be having a rougher time of it, as he really doesn't have much in the way of a support group. I'm lucky that I do, but I'm still stunned by it. People have come out of the woodwork to help me, and I just don't understand it. I guess that I, like Mary, underestimate myself.
I'd call up Amanda, but it's way too late. She says she doesn't mind, but I do. I appreciate that she's there. Hell, I'm absolutely ecstatic that she's there, but calling her at 3AM just to hear a warm voice isn't fair. I'll be okay when I wake up. I'll call her later.
I still can't quite understand all this. Well, that's not completely accurate, I do understand. I just can't believe. I know she's gone, I feel the loss, but part of me just can't accept it. I really don't know what this part of me is, and I don't know why it can't accept it. It's not like I don't comprehend things, because I do, but a part of me just seems to refuse to accept reality.
I long for the day when I can function normally. I thought I was there, but maybe I'm not. I'm doing better, but I know this is going to be a long, long haul. I need to get on with life, but I've forgotten how to.
Tonight's the first night I've cried in days.
I wish she was here.
Labels: grieving, mary chung, personal crap
A new Saturday
Well, here it is, three weeks later.
My head is definitely in a better place now. I still miss her terribly, but I'm really starting to let go now. I do have to move on. I'll never forget her. Never. I do have to leave grief in the past, though.
That's not to say that I won't still be grieving, as I will. Mary was everything to me, and the idea of going on with out her is a desperately difficult one. I have to though. I have to make myself the person that Mary wanted me to be. I'm going to need a lot of help with this, as I know I can't do it alone, but it's something I have to achieve.
If I don't, I'll be failing her.
I will not fail her.
Who's with me?
Labels: grieving, mary chung, personal crap
Disbelief and the past-tense
At the risk of sounding flippant, grief sucks.
The most annoying aspect is that most others just don't understand it. They think that I should be okay, and that things should carry on as normal. I try not to be insulted by it, as they really don't know better, but it is insulting. I know that I'm a bit of a headcase, and I know that it's affecting how I go about my day. It's to be expected within a couple of weeks of such a major and sudden loss. If it had been a gradual experience, I would be more okay with myself, but it wasn't. It was an absolute shock, with no warning.
On a purely intellectual level, I get it. She's dead. She's not with us anymore, and I need to go on. On a spiritual level, I can't comprehend it. I'm not delusional. I'm not in denial. I just can't understand why it happened the way it happened.
In a period of probably thirty minutes, I went from relief to Battlestar Galactica's starting to she's gone. Everybody I know who has had a loss in recent years knew their loss was coming. For me, the person I loved most in life was just gone, with no warning, in what felt like the blink of an eye. This isn't something you can prepare for, and it's something that stays with you. You question the value of everything, and most things come up wanting.
That said, all things considered, I'm doing better than others have done in my situation. I'm not suicidal. I'm not catatonic. I haven't given into chemical abuse. I'm not wallowing in self-pity. I'm just in spiritual agony and have no choice but to brave it. I
have to go on, which is ridiculously easier said than done.
At this point, I need to explore the world, to find my place in it again. I need to take some serious time off, and I need to have it funded. I need, at a minimum, between $5000 to $10000 to achieve that and with no strings attached. I don't need a loan, I need a grant. I fully understand that nobody is about to help me with that, and I'm not delusional enough to think that I'm somehow entitled to it. It is, however, what I need to heal and get myself on my feet again.
As it stands, I'm barely holding onto my employment. I fully expect to have a 'talking to' about my current state, and I fully expect to be removed from my job. I fully expect to have it illustrated that we do not live in a compassionate society, but a society that pays a lot of lip service to compassion.
I know this sounds like "woe is me, for I am suffering", but it's the cold reality of the world. Of course, there are kind, compassionate souls out there, but they are in the singular, don't represent the whole, and alone, can do little in the long run. This isn't to diminish their ability to help, as it does help greatly, but at the same time, there is little they can do for the big picture.
Yes, I am upset.
And, it is (mostly) justified.
All I want is to not be upset anymore.
Can anyone help me with that?
Labels: grieving, mary chung, personal crap
