Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Disbelief and the past-tense

At the risk of sounding flippant, grief sucks.

The most annoying aspect is that most others just don't understand it. They think that I should be okay, and that things should carry on as normal. I try not to be insulted by it, as they really don't know better, but it is insulting. I know that I'm a bit of a headcase, and I know that it's affecting how I go about my day. It's to be expected within a couple of weeks of such a major and sudden loss. If it had been a gradual experience, I would be more okay with myself, but it wasn't. It was an absolute shock, with no warning.

On a purely intellectual level, I get it. She's dead. She's not with us anymore, and I need to go on. On a spiritual level, I can't comprehend it. I'm not delusional. I'm not in denial. I just can't understand why it happened the way it happened.

In a period of probably thirty minutes, I went from relief to Battlestar Galactica's starting to she's gone. Everybody I know who has had a loss in recent years knew their loss was coming. For me, the person I loved most in life was just gone, with no warning, in what felt like the blink of an eye. This isn't something you can prepare for, and it's something that stays with you. You question the value of everything, and most things come up wanting.

That said, all things considered, I'm doing better than others have done in my situation. I'm not suicidal. I'm not catatonic. I haven't given into chemical abuse. I'm not wallowing in self-pity. I'm just in spiritual agony and have no choice but to brave it. I have to go on, which is ridiculously easier said than done.

At this point, I need to explore the world, to find my place in it again. I need to take some serious time off, and I need to have it funded. I need, at a minimum, between $5000 to $10000 to achieve that and with no strings attached. I don't need a loan, I need a grant. I fully understand that nobody is about to help me with that, and I'm not delusional enough to think that I'm somehow entitled to it. It is, however, what I need to heal and get myself on my feet again.

As it stands, I'm barely holding onto my employment. I fully expect to have a 'talking to' about my current state, and I fully expect to be removed from my job. I fully expect to have it illustrated that we do not live in a compassionate society, but a society that pays a lot of lip service to compassion.

I know this sounds like "woe is me, for I am suffering", but it's the cold reality of the world. Of course, there are kind, compassionate souls out there, but they are in the singular, don't represent the whole, and alone, can do little in the long run. This isn't to diminish their ability to help, as it does help greatly, but at the same time, there is little they can do for the big picture.

Yes, I am upset.

And, it is (mostly) justified.

All I want is to not be upset anymore.

Can anyone help me with that?

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