Monday, July 28, 2008

Obfuscation and dilemmas

Some days I hate being attached to my mind. This is one of them.

I'm having one of those age old dilemmas where you want to say something to someone, but you just can't. You can jump to any conclusions that you want, and they may be dead on accurate or completely off base. I don't really care about that part either way.

The part that I'm finding somewhat amusing, if ironic, is that my own attempts at obfuscation have created obfuscation aimed, unintentionally, at me. I wish I wasn't the coward that I am. Of course, being the coward that I am has led to some wonderful things that I can't imagine having lived without... well, except the one, which I'm learning to live without.

I once said that I wish had the confidence that I used to have, but in reconsideration, I don't think I ever really did have it. I was just manic at the time. Being bi-polar changes things like that.

I think that I've become more comfortable with regret than with change. I need change, but I fear it. I fear falling again, like I have so many times before, and I've grown used to sitting at the bottom looking up. I shouldn't. I shouldn't limit myself this way, but I do. I haven't tested these limits in years, and I've defined myself by them. I know I can do more, but I've forgotten how to. I'm sure I'd pick it up again in a snap, but my fear is that I'll just fall on my face.

2007 was a year of failures for me, and 2008 has been a year of tragedy, so far.

I want 2008 to be more than that.



Post a Comment

<< Home