Why did I decide that blogging the grieving process would be a good idea?
Today, I'm tired, sad and lonely.
I think I'll just go back to bed. I've been up about 2 hours, and well, it is a day off. I don't need to be conscious today, so sleeping in to noon might be beneficial to my well being.
What I said about her smile still stands, but she'd sleep in until noon too.
The above photo of Mary was taken by James, and it was take a bit after her shoulder surgery.
This photo sums up what I admired most about her. She could be battered and bruised, with her hair all mussed up, but she'd always smile through it. Sure, sometimes it would take a bit of coaxing, but it would come out, and come out bright.
This smile is what motivates me today.
I know that I won't see it with my eyes, but I will see it with my heart. If I do right, and do her proud, I know it will be there for me.
We're coming close to closing the worst month of my life, and I do feel that there's light ahead. I still do miss her terribly, but I will cope. I must.
Despite what's been going on, I've been trying to keep my mind busy, and I have been trying to keep on keeping on. So, here's what I've been consuming...
Watching: Battlestar Galactica season 4, Beck: Mongolian Chop Squad vol. 1 & 2, The Invaders season 1, The Venture Bros. season3, Batman Begins, Justice League: the New Frontier, Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs, and the leaked premiere of Stargate: Atlantis season 5.
Listening (to): Coast to Coast AM, Open Mind with Bill Jenkins, Order 66 podcast, The Jam, Thievery Corporation, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, The Specials and Madness.
Reading: Nothing concrete, and basically whatever I find laying around.
Playing: Far Cry, Return to Castle Wolfenstein, Black, Suikoden III, Tales of the Abyss, Phantasy Star Universe, LEGO Indiana Jones and Puzzle Quest.
It's been tough finding enjoyment in things, but I know she'd be upset if I didn't.
As you can tell by the time stamp, it's around 3AM on Sunday, June 22nd.
The quiet times are the real killers.
I don't know what to call the feelings I have. It's less than outright depression, but more than just mere melancholy. I was she was here. Well, I wish that anyone was here. I think I just need to curl up with someone at the moment, and it hurts that there is no someone. I feel alone at these times, and I guess I am, to a certain extent.
I'd call up James, but I don't want to bring him down. He seems to be having a rougher time of it, as he really doesn't have much in the way of a support group. I'm lucky that I do, but I'm still stunned by it. People have come out of the woodwork to help me, and I just don't understand it. I guess that I, like Mary, underestimate myself.
I'd call up Amanda, but it's way too late. She says she doesn't mind, but I do. I appreciate that she's there. Hell, I'm absolutely ecstatic that she's there, but calling her at 3AM just to hear a warm voice isn't fair. I'll be okay when I wake up. I'll call her later.
I still can't quite understand all this. Well, that's not completely accurate, I do understand. I just can't believe. I know she's gone, I feel the loss, but part of me just can't accept it. I really don't know what this part of me is, and I don't know why it can't accept it. It's not like I don't comprehend things, because I do, but a part of me just seems to refuse to accept reality.
I long for the day when I can function normally. I thought I was there, but maybe I'm not. I'm doing better, but I know this is going to be a long, long haul. I need to get on with life, but I've forgotten how to.
My head is definitely in a better place now. I still miss her terribly, but I'm really starting to let go now. I do have to move on. I'll never forget her. Never. I do have to leave grief in the past, though.
That's not to say that I won't still be grieving, as I will. Mary was everything to me, and the idea of going on with out her is a desperately difficult one. I have to though. I have to make myself the person that Mary wanted me to be. I'm going to need a lot of help with this, as I know I can't do it alone, but it's something I have to achieve.
The most annoying aspect is that most others just don't understand it. They think that I should be okay, and that things should carry on as normal. I try not to be insulted by it, as they really don't know better, but it is insulting. I know that I'm a bit of a headcase, and I know that it's affecting how I go about my day. It's to be expected within a couple of weeks of such a major and sudden loss. If it had been a gradual experience, I would be more okay with myself, but it wasn't. It was an absolute shock, with no warning.
On a purely intellectual level, I get it. She's dead. She's not with us anymore, and I need to go on. On a spiritual level, I can't comprehend it. I'm not delusional. I'm not in denial. I just can't understand why it happened the way it happened.
In a period of probably thirty minutes, I went from relief to Battlestar Galactica's starting to she's gone. Everybody I know who has had a loss in recent years knew their loss was coming. For me, the person I loved most in life was just gone, with no warning, in what felt like the blink of an eye. This isn't something you can prepare for, and it's something that stays with you. You question the value of everything, and most things come up wanting.
That said, all things considered, I'm doing better than others have done in my situation. I'm not suicidal. I'm not catatonic. I haven't given into chemical abuse. I'm not wallowing in self-pity. I'm just in spiritual agony and have no choice but to brave it. I have to go on, which is ridiculously easier said than done.
At this point, I need to explore the world, to find my place in it again. I need to take some serious time off, and I need to have it funded. I need, at a minimum, between $5000 to $10000 to achieve that and with no strings attached. I don't need a loan, I need a grant. I fully understand that nobody is about to help me with that, and I'm not delusional enough to think that I'm somehow entitled to it. It is, however, what I need to heal and get myself on my feet again.
As it stands, I'm barely holding onto my employment. I fully expect to have a 'talking to' about my current state, and I fully expect to be removed from my job. I fully expect to have it illustrated that we do not live in a compassionate society, but a society that pays a lot of lip service to compassion.
I know this sounds like "woe is me, for I am suffering", but it's the cold reality of the world. Of course, there are kind, compassionate souls out there, but they are in the singular, don't represent the whole, and alone, can do little in the long run. This isn't to diminish their ability to help, as it does help greatly, but at the same time, there is little they can do for the big picture.
So, my old 'puter e'sploded today, and with a little help from my friend Paul, I built a new one from it's ashes. So, I christen thee the Phoenix!Huzzah!
Part of me is feeling like I'm obsessed here, and that I should just move on.
Part of me is upset that the other part of me feels that way.
Part of me wants to write something to remember her by.
Part of me is sad that W.H. Auden beat me to it.
Funeral Blues Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead, Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good.
Part of me is glad that somebody else was able to find the words for me.
Mary was a bright beacon in the lives of all that knew her, and we all have stories of how she touched us in that unique Mary way. The extraordinary confidence and determination she brought to all the challenges she faced continues to inspire her family and friends.
She, who was fiercely loyal to all she loved, and to whom we were fiercely loyal in return is now one with the universe again.
So, I've got the news on behind me, and it's the CAW rally.
It's amazing to see so many people blinded by their leadership. It's like watching a tobacco growers rally. They just don't get it.
Unfair trade? Whatever. If you can't produce a vehicle that competes, it's your problem. If you produce a vehicle that nobody wants, it's your problem. If all you produce gas guzzling shit-boxes, and the market doesn't want gas guzzling shit-boxes, yet you continue to produce gas guzzling shit-boxes, it's your problem. If the CAW workers are either that blind or that delusional to buy into the rhetoric, it's their problem.
The other arguments? Solid.
The collective agreement? GM signed a contract. They should uphold that contract. It's ethical. It's moral. It's the law. Closing the best plant the company has doesn't make any sense.
Shipping jobs off to Mexico? Okay, closing the best plant the company has just made sense. Nice obvious move GM.
The feds sabotaging industry? You bet. The various unions in Ontario should pursue a class action suit against Flaherty for the billions of dollars lost that his words have cost.
I really need to get more e-mail to my main address, just to stop having the funeral announcement being the first thing I see when I open up Outlook.
It also bothers the hell out of me that the stupid cosplay post keeps getting the majority of the hits to the site, but the post about Mary only gets a handful.
The world lost one of it's most precious treasures last night at the far too young age of 31.
Mary was my best friend. Actually, she was more than that, she was an extension of myself. She knew me better than I knew myself, and vice-versa. She was the love of my life, even if our lives were apart, and was someone whom I was planning on growing old beside. For a geek, pop culture reference, we were Davan and PeeJee from the webcomic Something*Positive, just without the level of abuse involved.
I loved Mary, and still do, with all my heart, and I knew that I was loved in return. As heart-breaking as it is to see her pass, I know within my heart that it's the way she wanted to go. She'd had a hard life due to illness and other hardships, but she deserved to leave it on her own terms without having to suffer from the gradual loss of functionality that she feared.
Now comes the arduous task of moving on, and rebuilding my own life. Mary's role in mine was substantial, and I'm now left with a hole in my heart and gaping void in my soul. I don't know what I'm going to do without her, especially since plans and dreams now have to be pushed to the wayside. I'll get by, as it would be what Mary would want, but it won't be easy. I keep wanting to call her up, and talk about the events of the weekend, but that's impossible now. I just want to hear her laugh or giggle or just say my name with the warmth that only she can bring to it that one last time. Yesterday, at the hospital, I kept expecting her to walk up behind me and hug me.
So, from this day forward, I dedicate my silly little blog to the memory of Mary Chung. I know she'd feel privileged for it, and where ever she is now, she's doing the little happy dance of joy.
A look at the inner workings of all things Jay, and an experiment with online identity. Also, an experience dedicated to the memory of a woman named Mary, who will always hold a special place in my heart.
The above photo of Mary was taken by James, and it was take a bit after her shoulder surgery.
Huzzah!
