Watching: Spaced the Complete Series, The City of Violence, Swamp Thing the Series, Stargate: Continuum, Terror of MechaGodzilla, Divergence, Shogun Assassin 5: Cold Road to Hell, and Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.
Listening (to): Stuff.
Reading: Star Wars - Coruscant Nights 1: Jedi Twilight. Maybe Spook Country next. Reading has become such a chore anymore.
Playing: Elder Scrolls Morrowind and Dragon Quest VIII: The Journey of the Cursed King.
Some days I hate being attached to my mind. This is one of them.
I'm having one of those age old dilemmas where you want to say something to someone, but you just can't. You can jump to any conclusions that you want, and they may be dead on accurate or completely off base. I don't really care about that part either way.
The part that I'm finding somewhat amusing, if ironic, is that my own attempts at obfuscation have created obfuscation aimed, unintentionally, at me. I wish I wasn't the coward that I am. Of course, being the coward that I am has led to some wonderful things that I can't imagine having lived without... well, except the one, which I'm learning to live without.
I once said that I wish had the confidence that I used to have, but in reconsideration, I don't think I ever really did have it. I was just manic at the time. Being bi-polar changes things like that.
I think that I've become more comfortable with regret than with change. I need change, but I fear it. I fear falling again, like I have so many times before, and I've grown used to sitting at the bottom looking up. I shouldn't. I shouldn't limit myself this way, but I do. I haven't tested these limits in years, and I've defined myself by them. I know I can do more, but I've forgotten how to. I'm sure I'd pick it up again in a snap, but my fear is that I'll just fall on my face.
2007 was a year of failures for me, and 2008 has been a year of tragedy, so far.
A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd.
The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful.
(Yeah, that was lame, but it's the best I could come up with in my current condition.)
So, I bought this yesterday:
I also did a marathon of it, and now I'm hungover from it. It's so good, but it's also pretty emotionally draining as it really echoes my life in a number of ways. Rather than identifying with one or the other, I'm more of a mix of both Tim & Daisy, and I've been where they've been to. What's unfortunate, is that instead of happy turnaround that occurs, I ended up being forced to move back to Paris, where I am today. So, Spaced is a bittersweet experience for me, hence the hangover.
I do, however, whole-heartedly recommend the series to anyone who connects with Kevin Smith movies. Smith himself sums up the series in his cover quote: ‘Spaced’ is kinda like watching a Kevin Smith film if Kevin Smith had any real talent.”
A review from the Kansas City Star actually sums things up quite well, but ends sort of... abruptly. The best thing about the series is that it has the comedy pace of something like Family Guy or The Simpsons, but remains (mostly) grounded in reality. If you loved the movies Shaun of the Dead and/or Hot Fuzz, then you'll love this series.
Wow, has it really been 10 days since I sat here to think about the grieving process?
A lot has changed, and a lot has stayed the same. I still miss her greatly, but I'm more at ease about it. Instead of multiple times a day, I'm now wondering what to do without her maybe once a day, or every couple of days. Life has gone on, and while I still don't find a lot of enjoyment in it, there isn't the dark cloud over my head like their was a few weeks back.
Last weekend, I had an epiphany of sorts, where I realized exactly what Mary saw in me. It came from talking with other friends of hers, and balancing the differences that we had. What she saw in me was a mirror. What I saw in her, she saw in me, and it was an oasis when she needed one.
Amanda asked me if this gave me a sense of closure finally, and in thinking about it, I don't think it did. The sense of closure has always been there, and the finality of everything is something I accepted almost immediately. What's been hanging me up is my inability to allow myself to accept that I had accepted that. (Yes, I know, that's awfully meta, but it's all I could think of.)
I've been trying to intellectualize something that simply can't be intellectualized. Loss isn't an abstract intellectual concept (well, okay it is, but it's not quantum theory, ok?), it isn't something that can be qualified or quantified, and over-thinking about it sure as hell isn't going to help you go on. It just is what it is. You need to live, and to experience life, in order to help you go on, and that's something I wasn't able to do until this past weekend.
I still have issues believing she's gone, but I no longer worry about those issues. I need to feel what I feel, and just allow those feelings to breathe. I can't keep bottling them up with attempts to intellectualize my grief, and then beat myself up for not being at a certain place by now. That's just unhealthy.
I have to keep in mind that I'll never forget her, and that even if her death isn't first and foremost in my brain, I'm not writing her out of my life. She is out of my life, on a physical sense, and life does go on. She'll always be a major part of me, because I was always a major part of her. She will always be with me, even if it's unconscious. It's not forgetting her, it's living the way she'd want me to.
My only regrets now are that she can't share this revelation with me. I know that, at the least, she'd respond with a "Whoa!" and that makes me smile.
I picked up Bones season one for, well, insanely cheap. I mean, less than a McDonald's value meal cheap, and well, I'm bloody well hooked.
Gah.
I can't get season two for even remotely as cheap. (To illustrate, with season one, I paid 10% of what I would pay for season two, and that's with tax included.)
"(Guillermo del Toro) has an endlessly inventive imagination, and understands how legends work, why they entertain us and that they sometimes stand for something. For love, for example."
It's been what? Two or three weeks since the last one? Well, here we go....
Watching: Batman: Gotham Knight, Bones season 1, Steamboy, Swamp Thing: the Series season 1, Stargate: Continuum, The Venture Bros. season 3, and Family Guy vol. 1. I've got to hit Batman & Mr. Freeze: Subzero, Paprika, Tekkon Kinkreet, and Patlabor the Movie sometime this week, too.
Listening (to): Coast to Coast AM, Order 66 podcast, WotC Star Wars podcast, and various music MP3s. Also, enjoying the hell out of Amy Winehouse's Back to Black at work.
Reading: Nothing much.
Playing: It's been PC gaming this time around with Neverwinter Nights, Far Cry, Puzzle Quest, and Return to Castle Wolfenstein. (I think there's been some Solitaire in there too.)
I've been spending too much time in front of my computer. Way too much time.
Those are almost all hits from some site that links to a photo on a post from 2006. I'd say stolen bandwidth, but I think it links to yet another site, if I remember correctly.
Nobody actually reads this blog, except for a couple of people, and they are few and far between.
So, spammers? Go somewhere else.
I think I might actually shut this place down for good, as my reason for it is gone, and even she didn't read it very often at all.
I'll make no secret of it, I've been a headcase for the past couple of days. I've got people worried about me, and there's really nothing I can do to allay those worries. I'm not particularly concerned about myself, as I know I'll pull through, but I don't want to hurt those around me. I just need to shut myself off for a little bit to recharge.
The humidity is just making things worse, and I wish I had some sort of easy coping mechanism to turn to.
So, here's the beginning of the second month since my life changed.
I'm in a better state than I was yesterday, that's for sure. I'm really glad that I've gotten to know Amanda better, as I don't know what I would've done this past month without her. I'm lucky to have friends like her. Nobody will ever replace Mary, but I know that there's good people out there who've got my back.
I really don't have much to say today, as I really haven't done anything today. I've been goofing around with Neverwinter Nights, surfing, and attempting to watch Steamboy. I'm really tired today, but not feeling lonely and probably not sad. (Although, my sheer sleepiness could be hiding it.)
Yesterday, James brought me some of my stuff from Mary's apartment, and it was somewhat bittersweet. I've got (most) of my stuff back, and I've got a few keepsakes now, but there's still some pain with it. I still have to get some stuff that's at the Chung's house, but I don't know when I'll be up there. I'll probably make a detour there when I visit Amanda, which will hopefully in two weeks.
As an aside, if anybody who reads this is looking to adopt an older cat, female, then drop me a line. Mary's cat Oreo needs a home. She's stressed out, and still has claws, but once settled she's a sweetheart.
A look at the inner workings of all things Jay, and an experiment with online identity. Also, an experience dedicated to the memory of a woman named Mary, who will always hold a special place in my heart.
